My distrust of authority has caused me a world of hurt throughout my life.I’d like to talk about my dependence on opioid prescriptions but fear keeps me from talking about it. I’d also like to talk about having bipolar disorder but I worry about someone using that knowledge against me.so what does that say about me?
My soon to be new smile
Tomarrow i go to the dentist to get mini implants for my bottom plate.I hope that they make eating fun again. I hated to lose my teeth. because of my health at the time, decay destroyed my teeth. Never take good health for granted ,whether it is your heart, hands, guts or teeth, treasure what you have and care for your body. It’s the only one you’ve got.
The colonoscopy sans colon
Yes they will run a scope up into just a rectum. First, he hurts you with the”digital exam”. I know this because i felt it even with sedation. During this part they look for fissures, hemorrhoids, and general tone of sphincter. Next the scope is inserted and things like polyps are looked for inside.
These are the same basic things done in a regular colonoscopy, there is just less to look at. So colectomy does get a scope too.
An interview
Next week I go for a job interview for which I am qualified. It isn’t a business job, actually, it’s a technical job similar to what I was doing before becoming disabled.
I hope to get this job. I may know the super over maintenance there at this job. If it is who I think it is, I may stand a chance to get the job.
I am disheartened that of the many applications that I’ve put out, I didn’t get but one interview that was business related.
My next hurdle will be to get into rehab to detox from 10 years of prescribed opioid use. While I still have pain, I need to do this for the job and for myself.
Sleep lab
Oh to sleep
And to sleep in a lab
With people watching, looking,
Straining, to see if I’m broken
Of course, I am, I’m here,
Time to do something
I really hate boxing myself into a corner like this.I’ve whined and cries like a baby and guess how far I’ve gotten. Well, you know… Answers to important questions will be forthcoming. A couple of phone calls will start it. One to the sleep lab, who I’ve not heard from in two or three weeks, for one. It’s time for progress.I went through one night and I’m ready to get on with the rest of it. Time to get some sleep! The second phone call is the big one.
First, the surgeon who did the colectomy hardly touched me during my visits to him. He didn’t examine me once before the surgery which bothered me somewhat but..What, I trusted him? Okay so he did the surgery and again, afterward still didn’t examine me… This time, because no doctor here where I live wants to touch me, I will insist on him seeing me or know why. I am having increased pain and with an abnormal CT, I have to have someone to be on my side. My pcp sent his notes and copy of the scan to the surgeon over a week ago. You’d think a person would hear something by now.
After those pieces of business are over, I believe that I am going to look into going back to school for my masters degree. A masters in business should make it somewhat easier to find a job. Although that’s what I thought about when I got my bachelor’s…
That should make for a full day of frustration and madness, so after, I think that M and I will go fishing in the afternoon. I am having bowel troubles but I can always take some loperamine before we go and wear a pad just in case.I mention this because I believe that people should be upfront with what is going on in their lives especially things that cause impact on us.
I may not like answers that I get tomorrow, but I will have answers of some sort when I’m through. It takes a lot these days to get me started nut now is the time.
The promise of work
Apparently wasn’t a promise at all. For some time m now I’ve been searching for another job. I thought that my work experience and new degree could have opened a door for me. Turns out, I can’t even get an interview. I am careful as I can be about dating myself being over 50 and all. They still ask “legitimate” questions that are designed to do just that.
I’ve about resigned myself to being a cashier for the rest of my employable life.
Physical Afflictions.
For this post I’m going to be selfish and talk about me. Despite the length and breadth of my depression that I’ve dealt with for almost as long as I can remember, it is my physical ailments that cause me the most turmoil.
In my teens and twenties stomach issues plagued me.GERD, and a hiatal hernia were center stage. I suffered silently for a few years until I heard about a procedure called Nissan fundoplication. I know that it doesn’t work for everyone but it was a surgery that I would repeat if I were to be in that much pain again.
Later in my twenties and while at a gun show, I ate a polish sausage. It causes a gall bladder attack that felt like a knife was sticking through me clean through, front to back. That surgery too was worth every minute of post op pain.
Fast forward a while and I ended up with a incisional hernia. “Easy to fix, I’ll use mesh to close the hernia” is what the surgeon said. I awoke too intense pain that lots of fentanyl wouldn’t touch.I went by ambulance from the surgery center to the main hospital for a CT scan. I ended up in the hospital with an ng tube and some time for the blockage to clear.
When the pain stated,I learned that I had intestinal malformation for which I had a LADD’S procedure to’fix’ . Add to pain constipation that was unbearable. I dealt with that, using every option possible to try to correct it. It got so bad I didn’t go for extended periods of time, sometimes up to two weeks or more.
Desperate, I went to a colorectal surgeon and had a colectomy with anastomosis, meaning they removed my colon and matched up the end of my smallbowell with my rectum. Talk about a life change. Now I go 3-4 times a day or more. Basically perpetual diarrhea now.And I thought that my surgeries were complete.It got rid of part of the pain that I’ve had these long years and I could go!
Unfortunately, not even a year out from this”last”surgery,I am having an increase of pain and have to strain to defecate. A CT scan shows adhesions that is sticking things together. This may mean another surgery if they cause a blockage of my bowels. Unfortunately, more surgery can mean more adhesions.
This is the end of my brief history.Now I’d like to go on to another subject that is related.
An average person probably doesn’t think about going to the bathroom. We are conditioned from early on that even talking about it was nasty. Any references to defecation were referred to as “shit” or dookey or other terms. That is really bad considering that being able to talk about bodily functions as it turns out are very important if something goes wrong.
Something wrong might mean hemorrhoids or a fissure or something just as simple. Other, dangerous things might be polyps or worse, cancer, which can be minimized in many cases by early intervention. That means talking about body function with a doctor.ignoring symptoms such as blood, or pain could lead to be bad.
I dare say that some number of people are so ashamed or embarrassed that even when blood or pain presents itself they will suffer with it until forced by their own bodies to seek help. Sometimes the delay can have consequences.
Hell: Part two
My brother brought to my attention a way of looking at god. It is a viewpoint that I shall consider. I believe that it IS incongruous to believe that an omnipotent being would even consider us, let alone punish us for possible shortcomings. What shortcomings would be worthy of such punishment. (Theologians can leave their bibles at the door for this one as I am aware the sacrilege of which I speak….)
This page will not achieve what I am seeking to do but I’ll try anyway.
Hell is not a place. It is a prison in a person’s mind and is different for everyone. It is silent torment of voices that won’t go away. Depression that hurts so bad that one would risk it for relief. Possibly it could be memories of perceived wrongs that a person has done. Hell is here, now.
For some there is no peace from it. Does this mean that they deserve being In hell? Is the hearing of voices or feeling of hopelessness worthy of such dire consequences? Hell in this context IS real and painful and a place feared but it is also a prison of the mind.
Ah, sleep…? I wish!
I have been very fatigued lately and after complaining about it to my dr he sent me to the sleep lab. It turns out that I have apnea. I am all to familiar with it because my wife has it and use a machine at night. I can’t get my machine yet though because Dr was out on vacation and it put him behind so now I’m waiting to hear from them.
I’m pretty sure that being bipolar has nothing at all to do this though, no way.😉 Nor could it be the various drugs(prescription) that I take daily for bipolar, depression, pain and muscle spasms… No way. I dislike being somnolent during the day. It makes just trying to stay active so hard to do. I’ve been reading about being one’s own advocate. It seems to me that it is time for me to be a tiny bit more proactive and we if I can get the ball rolling on the sleep problem. Stay tuned. Updates to come.
leo/life/ideas 