Time to do something

I really hate boxing myself into a corner like this.I’ve whined and cries like a baby and guess how far I’ve gotten. Well, you know… Answers to important questions will be forthcoming. A couple of phone calls will start it. One to the sleep lab, who I’ve not heard from in two or three weeks, for one. It’s time for progress.I went through one night and I’m ready to get on with the rest of it. Time to get some sleep! The second phone call is the big one.

First, the surgeon who did the colectomy hardly touched me during my visits to him. He didn’t examine me once before the surgery which bothered me somewhat but..What, I trusted him? Okay so he did the surgery and again, afterward still didn’t examine me… This time, because no doctor here where I live wants to touch me, I will insist on him seeing me or know why. I am having increased pain and with an abnormal CT, I have to have someone to be on my side. My pcp sent his notes and copy of the scan to the surgeon over a week ago. You’d think a person would hear something by now.

After those pieces of business are over, I believe that I am going to look into going back to school for my masters degree. A masters in business should make it somewhat easier to find a job. Although that’s what I thought about when I got my bachelor’s…

That should make for a full day of frustration and madness, so after, I think that M and I will go fishing in the afternoon. I am having bowel troubles but I can always take some loperamine before we go and wear a pad just in case.I mention this because I believe that people should be upfront with what is going on in their lives especially things that cause impact on us.

I may not like answers that I get tomorrow, but I will have answers of some sort when I’m through. It takes a lot these days to get me started nut now is the time.

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Away from home

Tonight is the last night at home for about a week. We’re going leave our dog home this time. I hope that she and her sister don’t fight. We’ve packed enough stuff for about a month it seems like anyway. Michelle will have to have daily clothes but I’ll be happy in gowns for all i care. Lol. I’m nervous and have a headache tonight but I’ll get to sleep soon enough and we leave for SL in the morning.

With surgery looking in a dawn not so far from now, I’ll admit to being nervous now. But even now, my insides are in silent and still mode. No sounds nor gurgles. Just a dead, heavy feeling, bloated feeling that reminds me why I’m going to do this. I’m tired of feeling like i have to go and yet, can produce no results.

I think I’m going to start a gross new show “the poop show” everyone can call in and talk about the shit that they deal with every day. It’s sure to be a hit. Phone lines will ring and will get Tosh to mc for it. It’ll be epic!

What the hell to do?

It has been so difficult to pick up my tablet and write anything lately. Finally Friday the 13th.still not much to talk about. Two weeks until surgery. Michelle is having some misgivings about going ahead with it now. She’s afraid that I’ll die. I’ve suggested when we see him on the 19 th that she ask the surgeon whatever she wants to aleviate her fear.

What should I do if she still feels that way afterwards? I don’t have the same fear that she does and I don’t want to put this off.

A new drug

I think that my blog is more of a journal now which is okay. I can write freely when I’m one of the few who read it. lol Michelle said this morning that she is worried because she had a that I won’t be coming home from this surgery. I have reassured her this will be uneventful and that everything will go fine.

The last few days i have felt swollen in my bowels, I don’t think that there is a large volume and there isn’t anything that an enema will touch. I know that readers might find this too much info, sorry. My primary gave me samples of a new medicine that treats opioid induced constipation. I’ll be taking it tomarrow to see what it will do for me. It will be interesting to see what, if anything this new drug will do. I am open to whatever might help. Kicking constipation’s butt would be great! Then I’ll have to deal with the pain factor. One problem a time.

I’ll not the surgery unless substantial improvement is apparent one the next couple of weeks.

Change is coming on fast!

I go to see my primary care dr tomorrow. I haven’t told him about the surgery scheduled for the end of the month yet and I’m inclined not to. This appointment is actually for a Medicare physical. If he is true to form he’ll listen to my lungs, ask how I’m doing and when i complain about constipation and pain hell tell me that is caused by the medicine I’m taking and kind of indicate there is nothing to be done except laxatives and enemas. Then without touching me anymore we’ll say goodbye and set up our next appt.

I’ve found this to be unacceptable for some time now, hence the surgeon in St Louis. I’ve thought that if he really thinks that the drugs are causing constipation as bad as I’ve got, then he’d suggest help to wean me off of the shit. I have reduced the amount of opioids that I’ve taken with no change at all in bowel function. The Cymbalta i take to reduce pain levels also can cause slow bowels. But i probably need it as is. Stress and depression causes problems with guts too. I’m seeing a shrink for that part. Pain clinic has good ideas for of stress but reduction of pain has yet be seen, as I’ve said, I’m seeing a shrink already and I’ve practiced much of technique that the pain clinic has presented this far.

My question is this: Am I supposed to be constipated to the point of pain, to the point of fear that the things that I do to treat it, ie laxatives, enemas. .. won’t work, which sometimes they work minimally or not at all. (For the fiber fans, it fills and bloats me so much that I’m in agony from gas and volume.) The last time I talked to him, he wanted me to tell him what tests I wanted him to order and that he’d do it. ..how am I supposed to know that!? I’ll just spring it on him after the surgery.i don’t want to argue with him. My efforts to get him to take an authentic interest in my complaints are over for now. I may be looking for a different primary care the surgery, I don’t know.

I told him i was willing to rehab and get off the pain killers. I might try to get the surgeon to help me find a path to that after the operation. I’m just so fucking tired of the same shit day after day. Change is Coming. ..soon.

I hate the dark!

My dedication to my writing is waning as have most projects I’ve undertaken. This seasonal  affective disorder had me near the bottom of the pit, looking for light in every direction. Loss of daylight sucks! Now, “fall back” what a crock. They should leave time alone year around. It affects everyone but who they supposedly designed it for, it affects blue collar workers. Moving the clock does redistribute a sunlight hour but we could get along leaving it in one place.

I don’t need depression of any depth to encroach on me now. I need to keep my mood stable, at least through Christmas. I hope that by then, when the days get a bit longer, I’ll start feeling better. In meantime, I’ll sit by my light box and give it a chance to help.

Anxiety about the surgery.

I’ve gone now from being mad to being anxious, perhaps even scared a little. That might be prudent given the scope of the surgery that I’m now scheduled for on the 30 of November. The colectomy is pretty drastic to be sure but I’ve got to do something proactive to keep myself working and MAYBE relieve some this continuous pain that i experience daily. Mind you, ì hope that diminished pain will be one outcome but the getting rid of the threat of a blockage with no way to clear it is what i want more. This surgery, I believe will help alleviate that danger.

My anxiety levels are high and causing me to have fitful sleep. I go to see my therapist today and maybe he can help me talk this through.

Addendum:

I went to my psydoc today.. good thing too. I was thinking that the stress levels would get me. Almost like the boogeyman only this wouldn’t leave when i close my eyes. This would be a good scary movie, man tormented, wracked with pain that e can’t be rid of only to find a drastic treatment that may or not provide relief. In the story, he worries whether this is the right course of action. hopefully,There won’t be too many twists and turns in this plot though. M continuously reminds me that once removed, my colon can’t be replaced. Guess that goes for my appendix, gall bladder and virginity. Lol

I have run this through in my mind. After rereading my blog entries and the numerous rants on Facebook, I’ve seen a pattern in how my body doesn’t work. The time in my “cycle” is determined by how much I eat and what i eat. That’s in direct correlation to my lack of desire to eat, by the way.

The surgery is a no-brainer. I’ll gladly trade not going bm at all for extended time for going four to five times a day. More unnecessary, unsolicited info to come.