Sleep lab

Oh to sleep

And to sleep in a lab

With people watching, looking,

Straining, to see if I’m broken

Of course, I am, I’m here,



I’m stuck in the mud

The rain this spring has been substantial. It had filled the reservoirs and made the flowers bloom beautifully. I wish that my view about life at this point was as nice as the weather has been. Truly and unfortunately it is not. My depression level hasn’t been this high for several years and I don’t like it. Oh, what to do…

My decision to interrupt my job search has been contributory to my mood. I just don’t know how to head this off at the pass. The reason for stopping the search, my quest for answers about my health, is problematic too. Finding a Dr who even knows what malrotation even is, is a challenge in itself. I know pediatric gastroenterologists are familiar as the constitution is usually diagnosed early in life. I don’t get why there are so few who even know about it in adults. So, what to do…

I have gone to St Louis (via the internet) to find someone who might help. I went to a Dr there that might be helpful but I haven’t made contact with him yet. The surgeon who worked on me is knowledgeable but I have not much confidence in him. Trusting my life to someone that I don’t like doesn’t set well with me for some reason.. Almost funny… How to do…

Writing helps a little. It gives me a chance to bore the hell out of the people who read this shtuff. But reading comments shows me that there are likened hearts out there and that most definitely is comforting. I thank all of you.

Does today matter?

Today was a good day, I got out of bed at the usual time: noon. This has become a habit these days. I just don’t have anything to get up for these days. I’ve never been a morning person but now I would sleep continuously if it were possible. This can be a symptom of depression but I don’t feel particularly depressed, I just don’t care.

Recently I’ve been job searching. I even have an employment service to help me in my search but now I’m just not all that interested. My health is stable. I love that phrase. Stable means unchanging and that it is indeed. No changes in ten years despite my search for answers to daily pain and other issues. I went to a”pain clinic” they just don’t deal with severe abdominal pain. Too bad. I would like to regain my desire to live again.

Online support groups.

Because of a congenital defect I have a condition that includes chronic pain. I feel fortunate that I have found a group that is comprised of people who share, collectively anyway, all of the same symptoms as myself. Until now, I thought support groups were great but that I knew that I would never need one.. I was wrong and I will not think so lightly of them again. Consider supporting groups that care about any issue that is near to your heart.

Supporting a  group  can be monetary but it also means contributing to it with your thoughts and opinions. The anonymity of the net gives everyone the latitude to stay as far away or as close to people or issues as is comfortable for them.

Atleast it allows a forum where any idea or emotion can be expressed. I have been angry, sad and once, yes I can say it, happy! It isn’t how much you say and, apparently, not about the quality of what u you say but rather it is about the fact that you say SOMETHING.

Another thing is that when I read through posts, some I read throughly and others not so much. I gleen what I need from  each one, just as I do when reading books. I started blogging because my brother has for some time. I am not a poet, nor do I write eloquently. Generally speaking I write what is on my mind and then I am out. Everyone has their own needs and styles. That is what writing here is all about.