My distrust of authority has caused me a world of hurt throughout my life.I’d like to talk about my dependence on opioid prescriptions but fear keeps me from talking about it. I’d also like to talk about having bipolar disorder but I worry about someone using that knowledge against me.so what does that say about me?
I am
I am back once again to tell more of my story. Since the last time that I wrote, around the time of my surgery at first of 2016 things have been mostly average. The average day means going to work, try not to soil myself then go home and then, I’m front of the TV. Exciting, huh.
Recently, I awoke with a new pain and it hurt enough to go to the doctor who sent me for a abdominal CT scan with contrast. I figured that it would come back negative but in fact, it shows adhesions sticking my small bowel to the front wall of my abdomen. No doctor wants to hardly talk to me about it here so if something needs to be done, I’ll have to go back to St Louis.
I don’t want to go back to St Louis. I don’t want to do anything about this at all which is my prerogative, of course. Things are still moving mostly and I’m not nauseous so there is no real emergency now. Part of the reason that I don’t want to go back it’s because the surgeon doesn’t communicate very well. He does give me options and explained things that i ask about but goes no further in order to instill confidence.
I haven’t heard from him since my GP said that he was going to send the info and scan to the him. When I do, I wonder what, if anything he will suggest. A couple more tests might be in order but I don’t know what they might be. I will agree to do diagnostic tests but I have no desire for more surgery. The last time that I told the surgeon that, he almost just sent me home because he “didn’t want to put me through any tests unnecessarily” I get that now, I guess. However, l I think that it might be worthwhile to ascertain what areas are involved, whether the adhesion is causing any blockage, and etc. I guess I’ll have to wait to see if he shows any concern at all first.
I knew that the possibility there for adhesions but thought that it was worth the risk. The resolution of the severe constipation did make the surgery worth it. Despite mild fecal incontinence and now, an increase in pain it was worth it.
Now it’s time wait and see what happens. The ball is in the surgeons court.
I’m sorry
I put people through so much in order for them to communicate with me. I don’t know why. .. i guess i just wake up and it pops in my head “I guess I’ll mess with my own head today.” I don’t mean to be egocentric or selfish. I’m sure though that i must come off that way. People try to make my life feel better… people from all over the world!
What brings me to that place then? While i have a diagnosed mental health issue, I’m not a moron and i care how people perceive me. Still i drive people away to the point that they won’t have anything to do with me. I’ve been married to the same woman for 32 years now, what keeps her here? I shout these questions to the heavensand strain to hear a response.
Self pity
I am ignorant when it comes to interaction with others. I don’t mean to be but my exuberance in trying to be helpful just goes wrong. Times like this makes me consider keeping my thoughts to myself and to quit being
Away from home
Tonight is the last night at home for about a week. We’re going leave our dog home this time. I hope that she and her sister don’t fight. We’ve packed enough stuff for about a month it seems like anyway. Michelle will have to have daily clothes but I’ll be happy in gowns for all i care. Lol. I’m nervous and have a headache tonight but I’ll get to sleep soon enough and we leave for SL in the morning.
With surgery looking in a dawn not so far from now, I’ll admit to being nervous now. But even now, my insides are in silent and still mode. No sounds nor gurgles. Just a dead, heavy feeling, bloated feeling that reminds me why I’m going to do this. I’m tired of feeling like i have to go and yet, can produce no results.
I think I’m going to start a gross new show “the poop show” everyone can call in and talk about the shit that they deal with every day. It’s sure to be a hit. Phone lines will ring and will get Tosh to mc for it. It’ll be epic!
Depressed!
I had a post written about being depressed but i was so bummed that I forgot to put it up. No matter, I’ve got plenty of shit just aching to get out. Ha! The pill lady changed up some of my drugs. Down a little with seroquel, up some with abilify, and add a antihistamine for sleep. I’m ready for heavy duty drugs, hell, bring ’em on! Of course that won’t happen cause I want them. I remember when writing scripts the thing pdocs did. Ativan, valium and much more was the recipe of the day.
Now, good luck getting what you need just to stay alive. I don’t like doctors too much. Seems like I’m always tied to overbearing, know everything pdocs who prescribe what THEY want not what you need. Plus i think they are crazy to boot.
I don’t know what is wrong with me. .maybe nothing today. I hate my brain it just doesn’t make any sense. Depressed one day, souped up the next. .some days I’m almost suicidal, others I’m top of the food chain. I thought that i had the world be the balls. Now the world is stuck in my ass. Fuck this world, I’m about done with it all!
Ok to keep the white coats away,I’m not suicidal nor will i hurt anyone, as far as you know.
I am definately in a depressed state of mind plus i do hate my life. I hurt all of the fucking time and would like to get off of the damned drugs. One of these days there wont be any drugs and ill be up shit creek. Quite the image, wouldn’t you say? It’s a paradox I know. I hurt so I take the pain drugs, I take the drugs and am constipated. Every Dr blames the constipation on the drugs, but I’m pretty sure that there is more than meets the eye but what the hell, I’m just the patient who knows nothing.
On the physical side, do I get the surgery? It might help. It will definitely hurt for a while. My wife doesn’t want me to do it. So much for support. Fuck this shit. I’ll decide what do and then do it.
Marker test
Okay, so last week i had a colonic transit test done.
Wednesday I went to see the Dr. Turns out that i have colonic inertia. ..my colon doesn’t work. In the marker test, if only 4 makers remain, the colon is considered abnormal. I was still retaining 18. The other is that the ct scan showed that my colon is in a weird path that doesn’t allow material to pass. Seems that the Ladd’s procedure sucked big time! Ten years ago the surgeon, Dr Perfect, with “lots”of experience with malrotation wasn’t so great afterall. If I didn’t have such feelings of mistrust with him, I’d go back but i just can’t bring myself to do that.
In order to determine the next course of action, i have to do a defecography next Tuesday. If my rectum works okay then he’ll probably recommend colectomy, which is removal my colon. He will connect the bottom of my small bowel to the top of my rectum.
Sounds good right? I’m not sure about this. Still, as long as didn’t end up with an ostomy, getting some relief would be a good thing. I’d move my bowels a few times a day instead of a couple of times a month. I asked him about the sacral nerve stimulator but he said that they don’t that there. After a little research, I think that the controversy over payments to doctors might have something to do with that.
I’ll definately have to talk to some of my support group who’ve had this done before i make the move to get it.
Rain
I too remember running through the cleansing rain. Thank you for posting this.
Hell is stigma
It has been some time since my mood has been as dark as it is now. Recent events have had odd repercussions. I have been swinging from excited to very depressed. I’ve bitched and whined incessantly for the last three days. I wanted to go back to work. Now that i have gotten that goal, I can’t stop complaining about almost everything. I’ve about had it with myself. Worse still is that i can’t seem to stop. Someone told me recently that being bipolar doesn’t matter, or maybe that is not what was said, I don’t know.
Somebody stop this ride, I want off! I like how people are all, careful what you say, and you don’t mean that. ..I’ve got news.
This is a draft of something that i started a few days ago. I still feel that way but not to the degree that i was, that’s for sure. But it is still in me. Medicine doesn’t control how i feel or act. I do, with help from the meds. The percentage of people who are ill is large. 5%of the general population shudders with anxiety and depression according to the CDC. One out of twenty people, which means that everyone has a excellent chance of knowing or being mentally ill.
Mentally ill. Quite a title, huh. The problem with this title is that for too long, it had been synonymous with retardation, criminal behavior, and other unsavory conditions or actions. The stigma must be broken.
One out of twenty, and that is only depressive disorders. The next time you link psychiatric illnesses with those things just mentioned, that might someday be thinking about yourself or someone you know.
Thank you
I was recently nominated for a writing award. I do appreciate the nomination. Brighton, thanks for your generous vote of confidence. I am declining the nomination. I originally started writing to see if i could put something to paper and it has become a nightmare of sorts for me. At first, I was able to let my thoughts flow and it felt good. ..it was a feeling that was a keeper. Now it only brings the darkness to me. I will probably continue writing to see if my thoughts change over time but I don’t believe it to be enough value to celebrate.
leo/life/ideas 