My soon to be new smile

Tomarrow i go to the dentist to get mini implants for my bottom plate.I hope that they make eating fun again. I hated to lose my teeth. because of my health at the time, decay destroyed my teeth. Never take good health for granted ,whether it is your heart, hands, guts or teeth, treasure what you have and care for your body. It’s the only one you’ve got.


Hell: Part two

My brother brought to my attention a way of looking at god. It is a viewpoint that I shall consider. I believe that it IS incongruous to believe that an omnipotent being would even consider us, let alone punish us for possible shortcomings. What shortcomings would be worthy of such punishment. (Theologians can leave their bibles at the door for this one as I am aware the sacrilege of which I speak….)

This page will not achieve what I am seeking to do but I’ll try anyway.

Hell is not a place. It is a prison in a person’s mind and is different for everyone. It is silent torment of voices that won’t go away. Depression that hurts so bad that one would risk it for relief. Possibly it could be memories of perceived wrongs that a person has done. Hell is here, now.

For some there is no peace from it. Does this mean that they deserve being In hell? Is the hearing of voices or feeling of hopelessness worthy of such dire consequences? Hell in this context IS real and painful and a place feared but it is also a prison of the mind.



The crossroad

It should be here somewhere. The crossroad that leads no where. The journey on that road won’t be happy nor pleasant but it will be one there that i will take because I must. I have done things that there was no pride in doing. I did them because i was driven to do them. My journey to here, where I am now, had taken most my life to get here. I wasn’t always the messed up creature before you now.

Before now I still had a colon, an appendix and other parts that are now gone .I also had unspeakable depression that should have taken my life but didn’t and a great deal of confusion, possibly caused by bipolar disorder. Even now I don’t necessarily think of myself lucky to be alive, I just am.

I have longed to find the crossroad way before now. To the road that leads me to a life that I would like to try, one that I have worked at to get. A new job would be a great start. My search has been going on for some time now. Applications sent and rejected over and over so that I think that besides Walmart, there is no other place for me. Sad to think, that. That being a cashier is why I spent four years in school for a Bachelor’s in business. It makes me sad and sick at the same time.

Speaking of sick, I just found out that I had abdominal adhesions which puts me at risk of a blockage at some point. That will be a problem as doctors here don’t want to touch me since I went to st Louis for the colectomy. Maybe I should have had it done here, in retrospect. I’m not sure who I would have had do the surgery. I still have no faith in Dr B. He is the only CR surgeon in this area too, at least in my health system.

Anyway the adhesions are causing me pain now but I still pooh so I’ve got that going for me. A person takes lots for granted, like eating and drinking and breathing. Going pooh ranks right up there. We don’t talk about or even think about pigging out loud until we can’t go or if it hurts. Even then we talk in hushed tones, embarrassed for anyone to hear. For some the embarrassment costs them dearly. Keeps them from seeing a doctor until real problems set in. To go with the adhesions, I have to strain to go which I’m told isn’t a good thing since all I have is small bowl tired to my rectum which could prolapse or recticele creating an outlet problem. And the fecal incontinence is bothersome too. I wear pads because I never know when a leak will occur.

There is more to come. Sorry if there is too much information. I will keep that in mind for a warning next time for those who embarrass easily or have a weak constitution.


Looking for a career change

I’ve been looking for a career change for sometime now. I thought with my degree and work history that it would be a lot more simple than it has been thus far. To be completely  honest I’m not sure how long that I’ll be able to work. My ailments are multiplying with no answers yet as to what to do about them.

I do still have a couple of applications out that I would like to be able to see to fruition. I recently found out that I was passed over for a national park job that I really would have liked to have had a chance of getting. Other positions failed as well but I’ll continue on for a time and see what happens.

I’ve even applied for a job that I know that I’m qualified for but don’t really want to do. Paradoxical,  you might think,  but when I became disabled it was from a job just like the one that I had just applied to. My disabilities are both physical and mental in nature and my fairly recent surgery has added a new element in the form of added pain plus incontinence on occasion. Both are more than a nuisance. I hate wearing pads in order to go to work or just to go out.

Next I’d  like to talk about labor law a little bit. I’m no expert by any means but I still feel the need to get it out. First, it’s against the law to discriminate against those with a disability but I haven’t heard how one can ascertain if such discrimination has occurred. For example, if one applies for a position but doesn’t get it, how can it be learned about the qualifications of  the winning bidder? Laws are worthless without some way to investigate possible issues. I am having trouble wrapping my head around this issue.

Sorry about the ramble. This has been in me for some time and I had to get it out.

Invisible sicknesses

Invisible illnesses of all varieties are a plague on mankind. Those who suffer it know this all to well and those who don’t often choose to ignore, or worse yet, deny that such illnesses exist.

Ironically many nay sayers develop symptoms themselves. Arthritis, hay fever, and headaches are all common invisible illnesses. Only then, these problems are to “real” illnesses. Funny how that works. Many of these will choose to do their best to ignore the problem in the irrational belief that it will go away or fix itself. Furthermore, they extend concepts to others who cannot do the same.

The medical profession is at least sometimes part of the denial process. Often it takes a lot of time and effort to dx complex problems and practitioners simply don’t have or, won’t take the time to understand let alone treat people with invisible illnesses.

What a tragedy.

I’m sorry

I put people through so much in order for them to communicate with me. I don’t know why. .. i guess i just wake up and it pops in my head “I guess I’ll mess with my own head today.” I don’t mean to be egocentric or selfish. I’m sure though that i must come off that way. People try to make my life feel better… people from all over the world!

What brings me to that place then? While i have a diagnosed mental health issue, I’m not a moron and i care how people perceive me. Still i drive people away to the point that they won’t have anything to do with me. I’ve been married to the same woman for 32 years now, what keeps her here? I shout these questions to the heavensand strain to hear a response.

I deserve it?

Depression is my new best stays with me no matter what, whether i count on it or not. It whispers to me that there is no hope when it comes to any cause. Depression brings with it self pity who we have already met. With it, I boohoo and everyone thinks that I deserve whatever is tormenting me.

I want to submit to depression sometimes. It gives me it’s full attention and oddly, makes me feel secure. With it’s embrace everything makes sense. Even being alone.