Time to do something

I really hate boxing myself into a corner like this.I’ve whined and cries like a baby and guess how far I’ve gotten. Well, you know… Answers to important questions will be forthcoming. A couple of phone calls will start it. One to the sleep lab, who I’ve not heard from in two or three weeks, for one. It’s time for progress.I went through one night and I’m ready to get on with the rest of it. Time to get some sleep! The second phone call is the big one.

First, the surgeon who did the colectomy hardly touched me during my visits to him. He didn’t examine me once before the surgery which bothered me somewhat but..What, I trusted him? Okay so he did the surgery and again, afterward still didn’t examine me… This time, because no doctor here where I live wants to touch me, I will insist on him seeing me or know why. I am having increased pain and with an abnormal CT, I have to have someone to be on my side. My pcp sent his notes and copy of the scan to the surgeon over a week ago. You’d think a person would hear something by now.

After those pieces of business are over, I believe that I am going to look into going back to school for my masters degree. A masters in business should make it somewhat easier to find a job. Although that’s what I thought about when I got my bachelor’s…

That should make for a full day of frustration and madness, so after, I think that M and I will go fishing in the afternoon. I am having bowel troubles but I can always take some loperamine before we go and wear a pad just in case.I mention this because I believe that people should be upfront with what is going on in their lives especially things that cause impact on us.

I may not like answers that I get tomorrow, but I will have answers of some sort when I’m through. It takes a lot these days to get me started nut now is the time.

Moral judges of disabled.

I read about a man in Europe who has Crohn’s disease which is severe and debilitating. He finds himself in the position of defending his right to use facilities and parking designated handicapped. I am incensed by those who find themselves in the unique place in life to judge who is disabled or not.

Others have, in fact, already done this for these moral judges. They’re called doctors and government officials and if they have a sticker, “blue badge”, or plate on their car, then disabled people have been found be handicapped, or disabled. The moral judges have NO right to question a person based on how they look, sound, or act. Perhaps I should wear my shirt open to show the scars from surgeries for conditions that cause me to run out of energy in a short walk.

How about people who wear appliances under their clothes for any of a multitude of conditions,shall we require some visual or audible evidence that they are worthy?! Consider for a moment, moral judges, if what you are judging is a person’s disability or their right to park a little closer, or have a little bit bigger stall in which to accomplish personal hygiene?! If so, by all means, badger away. I’ll love being judge of you one day come any misfortune that may befall you.

How would you have those who are handicapped to prove it to you, the moral judges, that they deserve resources allocated to them? Tell you what. Pray that you NEVER fall victim to an unseen illness, for you might rightfully find yourself the victim of moral judgement.

Another freakin’ rant

I am trying to maintain some semblance of decency here. But I’m about to bust a nut. I hate the system and everything that goes with it. This rant is going to be ugly. I can’t help it, shit can only flow so deep. I’m drowning in it.

I can’t play by rules anymore. I guess I’ll have to make phone calls to who ever i can. I need fucking answers and i want them right fucking now. Fucking doctors all just stroll through life on their own merry way. Must be nice. Like to do some work for them and treat them the same way, see how they like it. I’m an electrician, I could fix their shit right for a price. I’ll let them pay for my gear everytime i do something for them. Just like buying the ct scanner. 4000 dollars a scan. ..i figure my meters and tools are worth a grand everytime i pick something up. Take their call then put them off till I’m good and ready to see them. Make them wait once i get there. See them for 5 minutes. Write my report and send it off to a master electrician for analysis. that almost covers it. Wait there’s more!

Wait though, they spent years training. .well what the hell did i do or millions of others do in life? Stick their heads in the sand? No! There was school, ojt, blood sweat and tears, but definately no 200k incomes, not many by a long shot! Power of life over death? Ever fuck with 480vac? Enough to deep fry self and everyone around. What’s that? I’m not articulate enough to compete, you say. ..bite me. Given the need and desire,me and my pissy little business degree could write circles around many “professionals”.

Question a lot of things

I try very hard to be confident, to be a good person. At times when I have to deal with doctors though, when i have to defer to another’s opinion, it’s hard for me to be confident. There have been times that i have accepted a Dr opinion and wished that I didn’t. ECT’s was one instance. The psychiatrist got a new toy and was trying to break in on as many people as he could. It was an ECT machine.

I learned later that once you start ect’s, you do them until the dr decides when to stop. This is probably due to the fact that the patient doesn’t remember whether he wants to stop or not. Family won’t get them stopped, at least my wife couldn’t and i have no memory of any of the time involved.

Well, that’s not exactly right. ..I remember them measuring my head for the electrode band. I also remember the warm blankets they covered me with before they put me out for the treatment. Plus there some shadowy memories of being weak as a kitten in a wheelchair.

Gone though, are the rest of two weeks of memory including family that i hadn’t seen in years coming to visit. This is assuredly a common side effect. The point of this post is that one should listen and read carefully any and all instructions, and possible side effects which might be immediate or in the future.

As a patient I have found the importance of research and finding the strength to ask questions so that one can be well informed, not to argue, but to know what to expect from tests or procedures

Hypomania and Pain

Today is my Monday. My mood has been tensive, like something is going to happen. Truly I wish something would happen. I’m pissed off half of the time and the other half I’m depressed. I might try a liquid diet, you know, to keep my kidneys functioning. At least they still work. I’ve been against organ donation in the past because I thought i needed to have most of my parts intact when i die. I think it is some primal thing. I might donate kidneys. Hell, they work better than the rest of me!

The pharaohs thought they were important enough to preserve their organs in special jars. They were right about some other things. .maybe this is one too? Of course, I’m not a Pharoah. Lol

I’m getting very tired of hurting. Pain drugs numb it but happens if they outlaw pain killers? Or supply gets cut? I’ll bet that withdrawing from pain drugs as well as still being in pain would be super fun! Nausea, increased pain, I’m sure would be bitchin! I’ve given thought to detoxing. The pills aren’t too tough, but the hard one is the patch. Missing putting one on and the next day is torment. Maybe the pills are placebo… maybe ripping out a few feet of gut would be just the ticket to pain free life. We’ll have to wait and see. …

Moods for bipolar people are a dime a dozen, right? Well, they are for me anyway. If I could sell them daily, I bet I would have fifty cents at the end of the day. . (Ain’t worth shit). Throw in a few dozen haunting memories that I relive Every. Stinkin. Day. Well then I’d be in the hole, cause they are shit! Memories of wrongs that I’ve done to others are the worst. They just jump out and wreck the whole day. (Or night)

I’m beginning to repeat myself now I think. I’m too lazy to go back and reread my ramblings so I’ll never know about that. If I am repeating, please just don’t read those parts. (Kinda like pulling yourself together ain’t it). I like that…pull your head outta your ass boy! Then get a toe of a shoe right in the ass, right in the sweet spot.  Just like he was aiming.  Hell, those were the days! Being asked whether I was “queer” or not.  (He got the idea because i was shy and didn’t know how get laid) Hell i think that HE might have been queer. That’s how it goes, the ones that hollar the loudest and protest the most are the ones deepest in the closet. At least that what I’ve heard. ..far as I know he was one of the. ….awww, fuck it.

Stay in control. That there is a strong statement. Control and power is everything to a narcissist. That’s why world is fucked up. True communism, TRUE communism, would be utopian. It will never be though because of control and power. Everyone working toward equality for all so that no one goes hungry, or sleeps outside will never happen because someone will have something that they can leverage, and there goes the ball game! Once one person finds a way to control others, utopia fails. It’s why there are people in the world with billions of dollars. Billions of dollars! Why does anyone need that much for?  Control and power, of course. It’s contagious too. Lots of people want it.  The capitalist dream. .just think, more money than you can spend so you can take it with you. ..oh, shit, that’s right! You can’t take it with you. You could always find someone to take over though and that’s a good thing.

Narcissism. That’s a good word, that. “extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one’s own talents and a craving for admiration, as characterizing a personality type.” Google told me the above meaning. That fits someone to a tee. …that very first part, to be fair. Be fair, who gives a shit about fair? Besides me i guess. You know what you get for being a nice guy who believes in fair? Not much at all. 

Now there you go. A little hypo mania and i rip out some bogus nuggets for all to enjoy. I hate me at times, times like this. Ten minutes opr an hour and confusion will take over where a tiny bit of creative thinking just were. 

Speaking of utopia, I run scenarios through my head, it’s a bipolar thing, that I follow to as near a conclusion as I can. I think about stuff that won’t ever come fruition. I’d give some examples here but i really can’t think of any, part of the ensuing confusion thing don’t ya know.

Oh well, I can’t sing and i can’t dance, I might as well sleep. Goolgle

Episode XXIIIXX: A NEW JOB

An opening for department manager led me to throw my hat into the ring. I am now wondering whether this is a good idea. Given that my mood, while improving, is still wonky at best. I definately have some ideas that would make working there more pleasurable, for myself and my fellow co-workers. There are problems within the organization that are out of my reach but I can try to help make a change.

I’d give everyone a voice and, when possible, a choice. I know how much it means to have an avenue to provide input. I’d lend an ear to whomever might need it. Talking out problems is the way to resolve issues before they become major, can defuse a situation and prevent escalation of conflict. I’m told that i have to be there for six months before I can take a different job but I hope that this is incorrect. I’ll post after I hear more.

Those of you who read my blog may have noticed a bit of a difference in my attitude. If so, please tell me. I appreciate comments.