I think of myself as a nice guy most of the time. There are times though that my thoughts toward wanting to say nasty things to people who annoy me. These impulses are getting strong enough I’m afraid that i will actually say something someday. If that happens, I’ll lose my job and won’t be able to sleep at night for a time. .
My question then is this: Is this part of bipolar disorder or could it be something more? Quite a question to be answered
Depression is not my friend. I’m suddenly on a downward rocket sled to no where. I’m getting temperamental and short with people who don’t deserve it and hate myself for it. Keeping my mouth shut is seemingly impossible. If I pull through this ill have to be sorry for weeks, rather ill be sorry for weeks.
I’ve made some unnecessary purchases. I won’t have to live in the street because if it but i might have given it a bit more thought. Oh, wait. Thinking is what led me to doing it. This seems to be a trend for me. This emotional roller coaster ride. I know that is what being bipolar is. ..the roller coaster.
No one on earth knows better than I how incredibly gauche that I can be. My often untimely statements, questions and etc come from a scattered mind and does not reflect my true feelings except for feelings of inadequacy. It makes it difficult to engage in friendly banter as my scatter brain gets all excited and my mouth mucks the works. Sorry about that, sincerely.
Invisible illnesses of all varieties are a plague on mankind. Those who suffer it know this all to well and those who don’t often choose to ignore, or worse yet, deny that such illnesses exist.
Ironically many nay sayers develop symptoms themselves. Arthritis, hay fever, and headaches are all common invisible illnesses. Only then, these problems are to “real” illnesses. Funny how that works. Many of these will choose to do their best to ignore the problem in the irrational belief that it will go away or fix itself. Furthermore, they extend concepts to others who cannot do the same.
The medical profession is at least sometimes part of the denial process. Often it takes a lot of time and effort to dx complex problems and practitioners simply don’t have or, won’t take the time to understand let alone treat people with invisible illnesses.
What a tragedy.
I’ve been trying to think of a topic to write about. As it turns out, I live a pretty boring life on the outside. Inside is like a mixture of tv shows. Drama, scifi, and b-movies abound along with a sprinkle of soap.
So what do I know about. I know about depression and pain. About compulsion and guilt and I know about fear and shame. The invisible maladies that haunt so many and ignored by so many more. I know how it feels to dispair and have no where to turn for help. Help. That thing that many promise but cannot produce, usually under the guise of “you mustn’t want help”.
There are many well meaning people in the world. Some even boast rightfully that they have helped people with the invisible sicknesses. But in this crazy world, there are those of us who are resistant for whatever reason. Normals might say that we fake it or even want the afflictions. Bull!
I know too what is like to seek help inpatient and leave in worse shape than I went in.
I put people through so much in order for them to communicate with me. I don’t know why. .. i guess i just wake up and it pops in my head “I guess I’ll mess with my own head today.” I don’t mean to be egocentric or selfish. I’m sure though that i must come off that way. People try to make my life feel better… people from all over the world!
What brings me to that place then? While i have a diagnosed mental health issue, I’m not a moron and i care how people perceive me. Still i drive people away to the point that they won’t have anything to do with me. I’ve been married to the same woman for 32 years now, what keeps her here? I shout these questions to the heavensand strain to hear a response.
This post some may find offensive or crude. If you find bodily functions unreadable;
VENTURE NO FARTHER!!!
As some of you know i have small bowel malrotation in addition i have dealt with chronic pain syndrome and horrible constipation. That is behind me now. Last Monday i had a procedure done that has made me a bm rock star! 4 times yesterday but it might just as well have been ten cause I can go to the bathroom. Just sayin’.
In an effort to maintain control over my own feelings, I’ve been reading posts on other people’s blogs. I’ve come to realize that time is a factor in the making of, and resolution of, difficult decisions. If one is resolute about making a commitment of most any kind, passage of time will show ones true commitment to a cause.
I find this to be true in my own case. The process of getting treatment stated in June of this year. Due to the radical nature of my own proposed treatment, although frustrating at times, I’m grateful for the time that has passed in order to affirm my decision to go ahead with this procedure.
Having feedback from followers helped a lot. Both negative and positive comments to mold my final choice of moving ahead.
With four days to go, I had a day off from work and we are gathering stuff before the coming event. Michelle will have the bulk of stuff as I will be in hospital garb of the time. I did get a new robe for wandering the halls after the cut up is complete.
I’m still okay nerve-wise. I feel a little apprehensive but still confident that this is what i need to do. The insurance called about assigning me a care manager. It is a free service that i might try out. It’s going to cost a fortune for Mic to stay, even at the housing for families. $60 a night. One place near there used to charge by income and was very reasonable. They’ve changed that now, unfortunate. .. I should have set up a “fund me” account on the Internet. ..lol! !
Still i am a little concerned about the ride back. ..they won’t let me out until my innards wake up. .. kidneys, bladder, bowels, like that. I hope that incontinence doesn’t raise is ugly head. Lol we talked about repair of this hernia a previous dr messed up during his”simple fix”. I hope that when this surgery is over then it’ll all be over, no more surgery.
I remember why I chose this course of action. It’s been six days and i hurt. I watch what I eat, volume-wise sometimes i slip eating and don’t miss it. I get sedentary so i don’t need a lot of energy. I do high carbs and protein when i do eat.
Five days now until i go to SL. I’m having stupid dreams about work and about hospitals. The work dreams aren’t unusual, they happen all of the time. The ones about hospitals is brand new. They aren’t gross or graphic, just routine, nurses coming and going and people visiting. I hope that they stay way. lol
Michelle and I cut the hair off of my chest and stomach because i don’t want patches attached to hair that is crazy to pull off with hair attached! It looks different. The hair hid a lot of scars and stuff. Plus, it diguised the bloat bulges… I know that he is going to cut along the existing scar and will probably make it longer because of the depth that he to go in order do the anastomosis.
I’m thinking about getting the Dr to take pictures along the way. Lol not really. I have some people’s pictures that they had taken during their surgery. ..not for me. ..what happens while I’m asleep on the table, stays there.
So now, for day minus 5 before surgery I think that’s all. I’m a gonna write again later
leo/life/ideas 