Physical Afflictions.

For this post I’m going to be selfish and talk about me. Despite the length and breadth of my depression that I’ve dealt with for almost as long as I can remember, it is my physical ailments that cause me the most turmoil.

In my teens and twenties stomach issues plagued me.GERD, and a hiatal hernia were center stage. I suffered silently for a few years until I heard about a procedure called Nissan fundoplication. I know that it doesn’t work for everyone but it was a surgery that I would repeat if I were to be in that much pain again.

Later in my twenties and while at a gun show, I ate a polish sausage. It causes a gall bladder attack that felt like a knife was sticking through me clean through, front to back. That surgery too was worth every minute of post op pain.

Fast forward a while and I ended up with a incisional ¬†hernia. “Easy to fix, I’ll use mesh to close the hernia” is what the surgeon said. I awoke too intense pain that lots of fentanyl wouldn’t touch.I went by ambulance from the surgery center to the main hospital for a CT scan. I ended up in the hospital with an ng tube and some time for the blockage to clear.

When the pain stated,I learned that I had intestinal malformation for which I had a LADD’S procedure to’fix’ . Add to pain constipation that was unbearable. I dealt with that, using every option possible to try to correct it. It got so bad I didn’t go for extended periods of time, sometimes up to two weeks or more.

Desperate, I went to a colorectal surgeon and had a colectomy with anastomosis, meaning they removed my colon and matched up the end of my smallbowell with my rectum. Talk about a life change. Now I go 3-4 times a day or more. Basically perpetual diarrhea now.And I thought that my surgeries were complete.It got rid of part of the pain that I’ve had these long years and I could go!

Unfortunately, not even a year out from this”last”surgery,I am having an increase of pain and have to strain to defecate. A CT scan shows adhesions that is sticking things together. This may mean another surgery if they cause a blockage of my bowels. Unfortunately, more surgery can mean more adhesions.

This is the end of my brief history.Now I’d like to go on to another subject that is related.

An average person probably doesn’t think about going to the bathroom. We are conditioned from early on that even talking about it was nasty. Any references to defecation were referred to as “shit” or dookey or other terms. That is really bad considering that being able to talk about bodily functions as it turns out are very important if something goes wrong.

Something wrong might mean hemorrhoids or a fissure or something just as simple. Other, dangerous things might be polyps or worse, cancer, which can be minimized in many cases by early intervention. That means talking about body function with a doctor.ignoring symptoms such as blood, or pain could lead to be bad.

I dare say that some number of people are so ashamed or embarrassed that even when blood or pain presents itself they will suffer with it until forced by their own bodies to seek help. Sometimes the delay can have consequences.

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Hell: Part two

My brother brought to my attention a way of looking at god. It is a viewpoint that I shall consider. I believe that it IS incongruous to believe that an omnipotent being would even consider us, let alone punish us for possible shortcomings. What shortcomings would be worthy of such punishment. (Theologians can leave their bibles at the door for this one as I am aware the sacrilege of which I speak….)

This page will not achieve what I am seeking to do but I’ll try anyway.

Hell is not a place. It is a prison in a person’s mind and is different for everyone. It is silent torment of voices that won’t go away. Depression that hurts so bad that one would risk it for relief. Possibly it could be memories of perceived wrongs that a person has done. Hell is here, now.

For some there is no peace from it. Does this mean that they deserve being In hell? Is the hearing of voices or feeling of hopelessness worthy of such dire consequences? Hell in this context IS real and painful and a place feared but it is also a prison of the mind.

 

 

Ah, sleep…? I wish!

I have been very fatigued lately and after complaining about it to my dr he sent me to the sleep lab. It turns out that I have apnea. I am all to familiar with it because my wife has it and use a machine at night. I can’t get my machine yet though because Dr was out on vacation and it put him behind so now I’m waiting to hear from them.

I’m pretty sure that being bipolar has nothing at all to do this though, no way.ūüėČ Nor could it be the various drugs(prescription) that I take daily for bipolar, depression, pain and muscle spasms… No way. I dislike being somnolent during the day. It makes just trying to stay active so hard to do. I’ve been reading about being one’s own advocate. It seems to me that it is time for me to be a tiny bit more proactive and we if I can get the ball rolling on the sleep problem. Stay tuned. Updates to come.

The joy/hell of life…

We’ve all heard it before. The reasons for doing or not doing something. Lying… cause your nose will grow. Laughing…. and the world laughs with you. Talk about dying… cause you’ll go to hell.

But hell is something that I have lived with for quite some time. In the depths of depression, hell is life itself sometimes. People tell you not to talk like that either, cause they don’t feel safe in their own skins at that moment or as¬†if merely hearing someone else talk about death or dying will cause them to start thinking that way too. Or ¬†maybe it is because it is so forbidden. Try to tell someone that¬†you want to die. First you will see shock, then denial, then finally a plea for your soul will ensue. ‘God doesn’t want you to die’, they say or, better, “you don’t mean that.’ It is the sentence about god that gets me. God is the omnipotent one who loves you if you are in line or sends you to hell if you’re not.

Religion and god are things that i hate to think about. Religion was pushed on me at an early age by a man (my father) who had no direction for himself. Instead of embracing it he clung to it like an iron life-preserver. Because he went, all had to go. The preacher reminded me of someone evil. He always wore a black suit and tie and slicked his hair back and he loved to talk about going to hell. Years later, I would see him again and this time he was trying to drum up business for a new church that he was affiliated with. It was funny because he was wearing a tan suit and i couldn’t believe how preposterous he looked. Imagine… the devil wearing tan!

Hell for me is having wants but sabotaging the desire to do the want. The devil is me saying one thing and doing something else. I do these things over and over to people who mean something to me especially my family. My wife is pained by this and worse is used to it happening over and over. The boys too have been disappointed more than I care to think about. I don’t know how to stop and worse, I don’t care to stop. That is hell.

I used to long for clear, clean days of thought that felt good. They happen all to rarely and they are just fleeting moments for me. The only time that I feel really clear is when I am working on something. I can fix most things that I touch as long as it is inanimate. I am not creative but I can build things if I have a pattern to go by and yet, this is not good enough for me. I want to be happy. I’d love to be able to let others around me be happy too. That has been too much to ask so far in this life.

Spending money was my replacement for joy. I thought spending money felt good. It did while I was doing it but the feeling was gone afterward, I suspect it is a feeling similar to that feeling gamblers get while they are gambling. Money gone, nothing left but guilt and shame that it didn’t go toward something more ¬†reasonable, like bills. I used to think that the many laces that we travelled to made some difference in me and my family’s life but I never hear reminices about any of those.

It once was that I thought that there was time for me to do better. I searched for answers many places and even inside of myself but cannot find any of the answers that I seek. There is something in my brain that is blocking that from happening. a hazy fog that only lifts for moments in my life. I suspect that my wife would tell me that she told me so…

The crossroad

It should be here somewhere. The crossroad that leads no where. The journey on that road won’t be happy nor pleasant but it will be one there that i will take because I must. I have done things that there was no pride in doing. I did them because i was driven to do them. My journey to here, where I am now, had taken most my life to get here. I wasn’t always the messed up creature before you now.

Before now I still had a colon, an appendix and other parts that are now gone .I also had unspeakable depression that should have taken my life but didn’t and a great deal of confusion, possibly caused by bipolar disorder. Even now I don’t necessarily think of myself lucky to be alive, I just am.

I have longed to find the crossroad way before now. To the road that leads me to a life that I would like to try, one that I have worked at to get. A new job would be a great start. My search has been going on for some time now. Applications sent and rejected over and over so that I think that besides Walmart, there is no other place for me. Sad to think, that. That being a cashier is why I spent four years in school for a Bachelor’s in business. It makes me sad and sick at the same time.

Speaking of sick, I just found out that I had abdominal adhesions which puts me at risk of a blockage at some point. That will be a problem as doctors here don’t want to touch me since I went to st Louis for the colectomy. Maybe I should have had it done here, in retrospect. I’m not sure who I would have had do the surgery. I still have no faith in Dr B. He is the only CR surgeon in this area too, at least in my health system.

Anyway the adhesions are causing me pain now but I still pooh so I’ve got that going for me. A person takes lots for granted, like eating and drinking and breathing. Going pooh ranks right up there. We don’t talk about or even think about pigging out loud until we can’t go or if it hurts. Even then we talk in hushed tones, embarrassed for anyone to hear. For some the embarrassment costs them dearly. Keeps them from seeing a doctor until real problems set in. To go with the adhesions, I have to strain to go which I’m told isn’t a good thing since all I have is small bowl tired to my rectum which could prolapse or recticele creating an outlet problem. And the fecal incontinence is bothersome too. I wear pads because I never know when a leak will occur.

There is more to come. Sorry if there is too much information. I will keep that in mind for a warning next time for those who embarrass easily or have a weak constitution.

 

Looking for a career change

I’ve been looking for a career change for sometime now. I thought with my degree and work history that it would be a lot more simple than it has been thus far. To be completely ¬†honest I’m not sure how long that I’ll be able to work. My ailments are multiplying with no answers yet as to what to do about them.

I do still have a couple of applications out that I would like to be able to see to fruition. I recently found out that I was passed over for a national park job that I really would have liked to have had a chance of getting. Other positions failed as well but I’ll continue on for a time and see what happens.

I’ve even applied for a job that I know that I’m qualified for but don’t really want to do. Paradoxical, ¬†you might think, ¬†but when I became disabled it was from a job just like the one that I had just applied to. My disabilities are both physical and mental in nature and my fairly recent surgery has added a new element in the form of added pain plus incontinence on occasion. Both are more than a nuisance. I hate wearing pads in order to go to work or just to go out.

Next I’d ¬†like to talk about labor law a little bit. I’m no expert by any means but I still feel the need to get it out. First, it’s against the law to discriminate against those with a disability but I haven’t heard how one can ascertain if such discrimination has occurred. For example, if one applies for a position but doesn’t get it, how can it be learned about the qualifications of ¬†the winning bidder? Laws are worthless without some way to investigate possible issues. I am having trouble wrapping my head around this issue.

Sorry about the ramble. This has been in me for some time and I had to get it out.

Retrospect

I miss following fellow bloggers. This last year I’ve been back to work, to try and retain a hold on my life. It been difficult as the problems that I have physically and mentally haven’t gone away I’m just ignoring them using work to keep the pain at bay. It has worked to an extent. I don’t have panic attacks as much now. The pay check is nice too but the underlying problems are surfacing again. Think that’s why ¬†I am back. To see that I’m not the only one hurting and that by sharing problems seemingly insurmountable are, in fact, merely problems that need attention.

Don’t know that I will ever be one to organize any event or cause but I hope that I can contribute here, to listen and learn here. I will undoubtedly complain incessantly but I’ll listen too if one needs an ear.