I lay here in my bed this early morning awake and restless, not because insomnia, but because a difficult decision is before me. I have dealt with this discomfort and pain for so long now and would like nothing more than to make it stop. But should I do so at the risk of everything else that goes on in my life?

Part of me wants this, too let them cut out a piece of me to see if the pain can be eased, and that part wants it badly. It appeals to me in a loud voice i think all around me should be able hear. But assuredly they cannot, because if they could then they might be able to give me guidance, but they cannot. Well, today i will find out whether i get the job as department manager. Maybe this will help me to decide.

I wonder is my desire for this surgery a trade off somehow? Trade dull, achy, sharp obtuse pain that goes on everyday for a (hopefully) short duration intense pain to end the former? If this is primarily the reason then i should make the difficult choice and do this.


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