Hypomania and Pain

Today is my Monday. My mood has been tensive, like something is going to happen. Truly I wish something would happen. I’m pissed off half of the time and the other half I’m depressed. I might try a liquid diet, you know, to keep my kidneys functioning. At least they still work. I’ve been against organ donation in the past because I thought i needed to have most of my parts intact when i die. I think it is some primal thing. I might donate kidneys. Hell, they work better than the rest of me!

The pharaohs thought they were important enough to preserve their organs in special jars. They were right about some other things. .maybe this is one too? Of course, I’m not a Pharoah. Lol

I’m getting very tired of hurting. Pain drugs numb it but happens if they outlaw pain killers? Or supply gets cut? I’ll bet that withdrawing from pain drugs as well as still being in pain would be super fun! Nausea, increased pain, I’m sure would be bitchin! I’ve given thought to detoxing. The pills aren’t too tough, but the hard one is the patch. Missing putting one on and the next day is torment. Maybe the pills are placebo… maybe ripping out a few feet of gut would be just the ticket to pain free life. We’ll have to wait and see. …

Moods for bipolar people are a dime a dozen, right? Well, they are for me anyway. If I could sell them daily, I bet I would have fifty cents at the end of the day. . (Ain’t worth shit). Throw in a few dozen haunting memories that I relive Every. Stinkin. Day. Well then I’d be in the hole, cause they are shit! Memories of wrongs that I’ve done to others are the worst. They just jump out and wreck the whole day. (Or night)

I’m beginning to repeat myself now I think. I’m too lazy to go back and reread my ramblings so I’ll never know about that. If I am repeating, please just don’t read those parts. (Kinda like pulling yourself together ain’t it). I like that…pull your head outta your ass boy! Then get a toe of a shoe right in the ass, right in the sweet spot.  Just like he was aiming.  Hell, those were the days! Being asked whether I was “queer” or not.  (He got the idea because i was shy and didn’t know how get laid) Hell i think that HE might have been queer. That’s how it goes, the ones that hollar the loudest and protest the most are the ones deepest in the closet. At least that what I’ve heard. ..far as I know he was one of the. ….awww, fuck it.

Stay in control. That there is a strong statement. Control and power is everything to a narcissist. That’s why world is fucked up. True communism, TRUE communism, would be utopian. It will never be though because of control and power. Everyone working toward equality for all so that no one goes hungry, or sleeps outside will never happen because someone will have something that they can leverage, and there goes the ball game! Once one person finds a way to control others, utopia fails. It’s why there are people in the world with billions of dollars. Billions of dollars! Why does anyone need that much for?  Control and power, of course. It’s contagious too. Lots of people want it.  The capitalist dream. .just think, more money than you can spend so you can take it with you. ..oh, shit, that’s right! You can’t take it with you. You could always find someone to take over though and that’s a good thing.

Narcissism. That’s a good word, that. “extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one’s own talents and a craving for admiration, as characterizing a personality type.” Google told me the above meaning. That fits someone to a tee. …that very first part, to be fair. Be fair, who gives a shit about fair? Besides me i guess. You know what you get for being a nice guy who believes in fair? Not much at all. 

Now there you go. A little hypo mania and i rip out some bogus nuggets for all to enjoy. I hate me at times, times like this. Ten minutes opr an hour and confusion will take over where a tiny bit of creative thinking just were. 

Speaking of utopia, I run scenarios through my head, it’s a bipolar thing, that I follow to as near a conclusion as I can. I think about stuff that won’t ever come fruition. I’d give some examples here but i really can’t think of any, part of the ensuing confusion thing don’t ya know.

Oh well, I can’t sing and i can’t dance, I might as well sleep. Goolgle

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