After a hectic day day at work we are watching Iron Man 3. I like sci-fi. It works like my brain. Manic most of the time. Lots of activity, lots of violence and lots of confusion. I’m not very happy, i haven’t been happy for quite some time now. Maybe it’s my definition of happy that is blame. If happy is a sense of wonder, pride in one’s work and appearance and a smile on one’s face, then I don’t have it.
I do have some pride and a sense of contentment. Sometimes that is enough, but mostly, it’s not. I don’t like it very much but it’s just the way that i am. I try to do better but my attempts generally fail. I dislike not being happy so much. My not being happy makes it hard to make people around me happy. Like my family. They are the ones who have always paid for my unhappiness. While i was driving across the country with them looking for happiness, I never found it.
We did a lot of fun things and saw a lot of great sights but I don’t remember much of it. I hate that too, more than any of it. Not remembering is not feeling. Hell, I don’t remember what day it is most of the time. I wrote this blog and when i reread it, is as though it was by someone else’s hand. I hope someday to find my life.