Today was a productive day. I got many things done at while I had the day off. I even screamed at my wife for no good reason. It came out of me like a train whistle. I do this too much. The slightest thing can trigger me, i can just see me going off on a customer at work. That would be the end of that job.
Too often my brain and body work like they are things apart. Thoughts start swirling and if I’m talking there is no way of knowing what ill say. I usually give way to much information. Then, of course, I feel bad because of what i say. Repeat ad nauseum.
There are times that I am truly amazed that my wife and I ever a chance at a life together. It hasn’t always been roses but hasn’t always been skunks either. The amazement stems from how my mouth didn’t sabotage our relationship before it had a chance to grow.
I hate my brain. I hate how it throws lots of guilt out for me to trip on. Things from a distant past will bubble to the surface and i will have to relive it like it happened just now. If i don’t let it run the course, then it will track like a loop, over and over. Then suddenly, I’m back where i was earlier, just a lot more confused.