Bipolar 😕

I oftentimes use the phrase: “You are not alone”. I didn’t coin the phrase but I think it is a comforting and powerful group of words that a lot of people like. I know that i most certainly do. By saying those four words if I can someone hope that there is another soul there to ease the burden of pressures of the day then maybe it will be enough.

Too much of the time, I feel almost completely alone. This is not a new sensation for me, but lately it has been omnipresent. The consequential effect is depression which is also not new to me. Together, those two things have been the major component in my decision to go to the hospital when I felt the need. Those stays in the hospital are unfortunately usually not very helpful. The way that they are is that I can get away from day to day stressors. I used to have suicidal ideations but have only acted on them once. I waaking Ativan to aleviate anxiety and just took too much. It wasn’t an attempt but was still a very serious near miss. That hospital stay was a very necessary one.

My personal avoidance and defensiveness over the diagnosis of bipolar disorder kept me from appropriate care for most of 30 years. My reasoning was that it  difficult to get life insurance when the disorder comes to light. Who knew that i would live to 60 and beyond? I know that I didn’t want to get this far in the past. People freak when I say that. They freak because of their own fear of death and their religious convictions. I understand that but when they try to intervene, they don’t take into consideration of my own set of values. I suspect that it happens pretty much universally.

Ironically, people who want to *help* go to great lengths to capture, transport, and detain us. When it comes to kicking us to the curb, not so much energy or resources are committed (do you like the play on words there?) to the return and reintegration, home. On release, I usually have problems at home then like before going into the hospital. If there was no food going in, there sure as hell wouldn’t be any food coming out! Then bills are there, collection calls usually clog the answering machine, thinly veiled threats of more of the same shit recorded for posterity.

I’m worn out. Day, I don’t know, 14 or 15 of taking Abilify. I have yet to experience a better mood as was suggested that might happen. Instead I’m pretty damn tired a lot of the time. It’s actually okay for me, I like to sleep most of the time anyway!  Speaking of sleep, therapists make a big deal of sleeping “to much”. I wonder who made those calculations as to the amount of sleep that is appropriate? Probably a doctor who lived on 4 hours of sleep at night.  lol!


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