Since I now have the dx of bipolar and am getting nowto a point that I’m able to accept’ it, I’ve begun to look at events in my life a lot closer. I now see that I had MANY episodes. The most notable ones were depressive episodes. I did have some memorable highs though. I remember how super thrilled that I was when I bought my first new motor cycle . After I found out that I had gotten the financing, I got on.it and didn’t get off for MOST of the next three days. I remember standing on the pegs feeling like I was flying! I was probably pretty close to take off speed at that.
My first low was much earlier in life. I was in grade school. Nothing memorable happened , but at the end of the day I remember being Incredibly sad. Sadder than I had ever been before . My body felt like it weighed me down to the ground, my head drooped so that all I could see was the ground ahead of me. The bus driver noticed because when I climbed onto the bus stairs he called me “saddy”… he always called me “happy” before this so that memory sticks out in my mind.
There have been many, many more examples. I’ve always worked maintenance in industry. A lot of the jobs that I was assigned were hazardous. I would accept them when others wouldn’t because I felt like I could do no wrong, like I was the best tech in the shop. If anything would go wrong that would bring that “can’t do wrong” feeling back to earth.
I think that, after reading about signs and symptoms of bipolar, that I might well be type II , rapid cycling as my mood rises and falls very quickly. Often within minutes to hours. I have fought this diagnosis for a very long time. Being depressed was normal, everyone gets depressed, but bipolar is serious. I would put up with being depressed. Depression has always been who I was and how I was. Being down was a fact of life. the only way out of depression was to keep doing something. Anything. I would spend every dollar that I made and then worry and feel guilty because some bills wouldn’t get paid. If M tried to reign in my spending I would pout and rationalize and yell if necessary to get my way.
When a therapist would ask about feeling “high” my answer would be “no’ ‘because it has always been more down than high. Although some highs were pretty high me thinks.
I also now believe that I was misdiagnosed while I was inpatient in the Air force. I believe that if I had been observed,. that more than two cycles of lows to highs etc. would have been recorded during my inpatient stay at both facilities. The triggers that I can now identify, contributed to my worsening condition and my release from the military. I didn’t receive ANY treatment even for the depression which they did observe. I spent over a month at the hospital on base in Wichita Ks. I spent another two weeks at Lackland and saw the psychologist a few times in Wichita, and the psychiatrist a couple of times in Texas.
During the transition from Kansas to Texas, they took care of travel (they flew me Air. Evac to texas) When they released me in Texas I had to get travel myself. I was so deep in the dark that I’m not sure how I arranged my flight back. I remember being very mad at the mistreatment that I got there. My anger and depression cand depression carried over to my arrival to the airport in Wichita. I couldn’t even get a ride to the base. N0 base taxi, No “Friends” NO one. I remembered the name of a Marine recruiter who had been a patient in the hospital in Wichita and I called him. He came and got me and let me stay with him and his family while I tried to screw my head back on.
Damn, I’Ve been up sinI’Ve been up since early this morning and it’s almost midnight. So much for an energy streak.. lol.. I guess if I remember, I’ll post more of my * exciting * story on a later post. I tell this so I can try to purge it from me. It doesn’t work but I always get a good cry out afterward…I hnow that it can be hard to follow my story. Many of my memories are fractured and /or run together so when they come out I do my best to get them written down.Then I edit after. If I don’t post right away, I risk deleting because of embarrassment or because I might see it as substandard.
Thanks for reading!!