Psycho sick support!

I found a support group that looks to be a good one for me and them. I actually am a member of two groups. Both support invisible illnesses. One is for physical ailments, the other, for brain ailments.I have found it mildly amusing that when people look at me they don’t recoil in horror. My intestinal workings give me nightmares and they are always with me! Besides blowing up big as a blimp, the only symptom is good, ol’ pain. Who can see pain? If you can’t see it, does it exist? Hmmmm.

My newly minted bipolar disorder is invisible too, but if you caught me on an interesting day, you might be able to tell something is going on in that melon on top of my shoulders. It kinda explains some things that happen from time to time… like ohhh, sudden anger, short attention span, huh? Lots of gloom and doom time changing to mowing every lawn in the neighborhood! I spent $400.00 on saws and woodworking tools because i just knew that I’d have time to do stuff. It’s true. .i do have time, but now, no drive no ambition no desire, for anything.

I’ve been grossly unfair to my wife for several years. I have no libido. .none.  It’s not her fault, between abdominal pain and loss of desire, I get nothing to work. (For those of you who would suggest the little blue pill, remember that have to want it before it will work.) Injections work fine. ..guaranteed! Is kinda expensive and not covered by insurance,the only down side. Laughingly, insurance WILL pay for Viagra, two pills a month! For those who just want a little sex each month. lol  Of course,if they worked for me, my wife would be least a little happy a couple times a month anyway.

I dealt with very bad depression most of my life. My father couldn’t see it so he suggested a couple of things. “Get over it” not in so many words but i got the idea, and religion during his and my uncle’s evangelical days. During one of my hospital stays, during the only visit that they did, they suggested that they could be there for “spiritual support” practically any time. ..if I chose to endorse them as my spiritual guides. I think that they didn’t come back because i declined their guidance. Hell, they were part of what I was seeking shelter from! Well, father anyway.

Besides M, my wife, my only concern was for how my absence affected our sons. Over the last twenty years I’ve gone inpatient about 10 times, two weeks each time, and while they say little to not much of anything, I don’t think that it worried them too much. I’m going make it a point to talk to each of them about it sometime this weekend. I know i have worried about it all of this time, lots of time to excess! It is during times like that, when i obsess about something i get incredibly loud noise in my head. It takes an even louder yell (inside my head mind you) in order to get it to subside.

Most of the time I’ve been able to keep stable by working. That was until i had to quit work because it started hurting too much. I did, just today, get a job offer Big Box Mart here in town.I’m going to give it my best shot to succeed!

Well, it’s day 12 on Abilify. I’m beginning to feel kinda sleepy a lot of the time. I like that though, to sleep, even if someone sees to that there’s no way that will happen. The new job will help, I hope.After  the kind of work that I’ve done career-wise, this shouldn’t be too much of a brain tickler. Stocking veggies and fruits will be vegitating…ha ha.


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