I don’t like being so depressed that i can hardly see, it is so dark. Yesterday was one of those days. My pain levels up significantly which was a contributing factor but when it came right down to it, the depression itself was the root cause. It came out of no where, at least I didn’t see a reason for it. This kind I’d the worst. A normal depressive episode has a trigger some sort. A death, someone sick, or some kind of catastrophe has happened. These episodes are not brain killers, they come, I address the root cause, and then in a reasonable amount of time I’m recovered.
Obviously, I’m aware that i have a multi-facited problem. But, what usually happens, when i address the major issue, defenses try to prevent changes. Taking new drugs is a major pain in the ass. There are the drugs effects which can be substantial. They could be as slight as mild dizziness or as strong as multiple symptoms such as: sleepiness, agitation, sweating, chills, anger, depression, headaches and more. This syndrome has happened enough times that I get little support. I don’t blame people for getting tired of the song and dance. I’m way tired of it myself. I also tire of hearing myself bitch as I’m sure that people around me have had their fill also. But if I don’t let this out somehow, i know that a catastrophic event will occur. Like my body will go nuclear and blow itself to pieces!
When these things happen, i want to retreat. In fact i feel compelled to return to a familiar, more comfortable mood. I have, in the past,stopped the new treatment regimen and returned to the old plan, seeking to regain what balance that it once gave me. Of course, this ALWAYS works… i do it anyway because the feeling of out of control causes terrible anxiety.
Okay, this is day 9 of Abilify. I’ve said enough.