So, anyway, my brother and I were talking and he said that he thought he noticed that I was having some difficulty. This is decidedly so. In fact my recent decision to put my job search on hold for a while has dampened my mood significantly. Anger issues arise so that I snap at almost anyone. I don’t like to be here but I’m unsure how to overcome.
In the past I might have seen about getting an appointment with a therapist but since I am “stable” now she will only see me every three months. It must be nice out there in the real world that people get to a plateau and then go on autopilot with meds and therapy and shtuff like that. In my tiny malfunctioning planet shit don’t quite always work that way.
I could go to the good old standby, if I could only remember what that was exactly. As I recollect, that system lacked in positive substance. That is, I have been there and it ain’t pretty. Again, what to do, what to do, etc etc. I quit the job search to see about a medical opinion about my physical problems. Unfortunately, specialists typically have long waiting lists which is the case with the Dr that I picked out of the phone book. I’ve told this story a billion times. So those of you who have read any of my tantrums might skip the next few paragraphs.
I’m not the only person who blogs about health problems. Many of us who do are at odds with our “health care” providers. Mine have ran the tests, albeit greater than five years ago, and are assured in their own little brains that they have addressed all issues and that their conclusions are sound. The treatments are in place and as far as they are concerned all is well. Things are NOT all and well! I’d like to see how long that they would live with chronic symptoms all the while some jackass telling them that everything is good!
So, what to do, what to do, etc etc.
In the past when backed into a corner like this I would think on taking it out on me. It never did any good but it was safer for those who I was pissed at… Much safer… I’m trying brand new behaviors now. I don’t hold much hope for success because of the anger/anxiety/depression levels, but I will endeavor to try. Some extra activity, a little ranting and raving, hell, it might work.. I might even write some more of this down, who knows?
Then I might add a second part to this, firing the “professional” people who used to look out (I thought) for my well being. I’ve already given one an outstanding review! At the end of the survey he averaged a two out of five stars and i even provided provable statements to support it. This particular one I think assumed that I am uneducated, mentally deficient, and just plain stupid. I infer this by the way that he has talked to me. But I am not any of those things and I am insulted. No doubt, he’s fired. My “therapist “.. she’s fired too. I like to do this kind of thing in person, for no other reason than I’ll know the message is received. I would have to leave it at that though because my emotional state wouldn’t allow for a coherent chewing out.
Having just fired my GP, I’ll need to find another to replace him. There are lots of good professionals out in this messed up world. It is a pain in the ass to tell this health story and start with someone new whether it be a psychotherapist or medical Dr. I’m not shy and will gladly submit to whatever exam that they deem necessary. I just want someone who will treat me with an open mind and some respect. I deserve consideration and maybe a little compassion. I will acknowledge that I don’t communicate effectively sometimes and come across as needy. Well in fact I do have needs!
Searching for a therapist is something that I hate to do. I had a counselor who was very good for me. He helped me keep my head together through some very difficult times. I don’t see him anymore because of travel distance now. It’s been several years since I’ve seen him so he might not be where I left him. He’d helped me stay out of institutions for several years and for that I am so very appreciative.
Starting with a new shrink means wading through a lot of serious shit. I never know how much they want to know. I’ve had one or two ask what diagnosis that I’ve had and then have them dismiss what I tell them. Why even ask?!
Well, I’m about over my little snit now and am going to put this to bed. I don’t feel like not waking up in the morning anymore so there’s that.. My quest for the ultimate healthcare providers begins tomarrow so I’m going to close my eyes. Stay tuned for more… if you have the stomach for it, that is!