Boredom. While sitting here late evening, I suddenly discovered that I am bored. This whole past couple of days had been near panic mode, looking for a way to distract this pea sized brain from burning up in one big manic puff of smoke. I suppose that I am in a trough, between the dark tunnel of depression that I have been in, and that blinding, noise filled buzz that is my ‘mania’. I still don’t go for it.. The dx of bi-polar.. I’ve been at this gate before, after the testing of mind and blood. I’ve even tried a “trial” of lithium and I can say without doubt that I was totally unimpressed.
I have stated before that mine is a difficult case. What with near intractable depression and other indefinable ‘stuff’. I have bored the shit out of at least a couple of “therapists” having been told by one of them that she was “only human” lol. I find it mildly amusing that one of only two psychiatrists who have done me any good, I can’t see anymore because my insurance won’t cover her fees. A therapist that I connected with its out of reach geographically (can’t afford to drive to him anymore). So now I see a nurse practitioner who means well and, I’ve just quit seeing a social worker because her work guidelines won’t let me go to her any more frequently than once every three months. All a once every three month visit does is piss me off. It’s like ‘okay I’ll just save up and then dump it all in an hour’. Yeah, try it. A lot of you know what that is /would be, like. Yes, I know it isn’t supposed to work that way. And yes, if I would only just do better, then once every three months would be plenty. Every one is doing it I should be too!
So, Boredom, surviving and living because I am too lazy and uncreative enough to put a real end to it. Sitting here trying to think about those racing thoughts that would be good on paper. I could dump then in one of my visits, IF I were to ever go back to that social worker. Which I won’t. If I’ve gotten to the point where I am unbelievable then NO I will not! Oops, where was I? I’ve tried to journal in those moments of lightning storms of madness that are my thoughts sometimes, but none of it makes any sense later. Thoughts coming one after the other so fast that they run together. So fast and overlap so much that they are impossible to decipher. If I don’t get to decompress once in a while at regular intervals, when I do talk to someone, I sit there, locked up, thoughts racing so fast that no sound comes from my open mouth. That, or I stutter like a fool, jumping from issue to issue, trying to disgorge the garbage from my mind.
I bore the hell out of myself. Stuck in an endless loop of complaints that repeat ad infinitum, trying to get unsolved problems resolved, using useless ideas that have been tried oh* so* many* times before. Like my physical complaints. +As a side note here, I’d like to think that if I was a therapist or health care professional, that I would at least stand back and see if I could be missing something if presented with continous repeated complaints from someone. +(How was that for a run on sentence?) Not so with Drs with me lately. Poor bastard, I guess the last one should have seen me coming. I’d rather be run off than be condescended too. I wouldn’t care of he was mad or irritated if he would just admit it. So now, I have to wonder if I’m making shit up. #Okay, that was an example of what it’s like in this boney box on my shoulders #
While Boredom isn’t causing the pain that I feel or cause symptoms that I just won’t name here, maybe my mind is doing all of this?? I suppose that it might. Really, scars just appear on people on TV all of the time. We all know hypochondriacs make up stuff all of the time! So THAT’S what I am, a make believe sick person! In the past, this would be the point at which I would be thinking of permanent options. A jump off a bridge, fall out of a tree… Not tonight.. I’m too Damn bored!