Anguish

I’m not sure what I am most uncomfortable with the most, anxiety or depression.  Depression I can subdue,I just let it flow and it just fills every gap. Yes, it is dark and irritating but anxiety doesn’t work that way. My Dr won’t let me have anti-anxiety meds so I have to endure all of the nervous energy, and the dreading death thing. Yeah, it’s the anxiety thing for sure.

My primary care physician lost my confidence.  That means that I have to find someone to prescribe my meds. Everyone knows that it also means telling the story again. I don’t want to do it. The worst that could happen is that I would fizzle out of existence when the drugs ran out. It would be tough to do. I would spend what days are left spazzing, sitting in a corner someplace eventually down to a little tiny twitch.

I have in the past gone frantically through the phone book trying to divine the right Dr to call and hope that I would find one before it was *too late*. Answers haven’t shown up in 40 years so… It’s getting hard to get very excited about it. What they say it’s correct. There isn’t a magic pill. Another one is you have to fix you. If I could fix myself, why would I need them?

I’ve been  the guest in different facilities several times. Going in through any admitting process is a joke so is the stay. Their primary goal is to warehouse you until the “acute” phase of the episode has worn off. Quality. Oh well, it’s all that we got…

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